while our marriage isn't recognized in that state or our home in Florida.The discussion around the blog was very interesting, with some people wondering why Anthony was performing the ceremony at all and "perpetuating the discrimination" on our community. The truth is these are our friends who have always supported us. They were getting married and they wanted him to do the ceremony, much like my sister did when she asked him to do the same.
Little did I realize that by going and just being ourselves at the wedding, we would change so many people's views about gay couples.
I'll admit to being a bit wary to travel to Milwaukee to a wedding that would be populated by somewhat conservative Midwesterners and ex-frat boy football players. I tend to stick out like a big gay thumb in situations like this- the gender variant, out of the binary, sissy boy with a fauxhawk and rather fierce eyebrows (if I do say so myself).
While we were the only gay people at the wedding, most were wonderfully accepting after feeling us out a little bit. There were a few eyebrows raised when we introduced each other as husbands and some comments that were less than amusing about my gender expression.
The most hostile attitude came from a middle aged man, who wore an evangelical "get ready for the rapture" bracelet. He steered mostly clear of us (although his wife loved hanging out with us during the weekend activities). His side comments would leave me fuming from time to time: small things like how could the wedding possibly be legal if Anthony was doing it or being incredulous that we were actually legally married and foster parents.
We simply wrote him off as anotas another small-minded person that wouldn't accept anything about us.
As the weekend wore on, everyone became more open with us, asking us about our life and families, curious about our wedding. People seemed to really open their hearts to us as we spent time together and were just another dorky couple at a wedding.
Everyone except the evangelical.
The big day arrived and Anthony officiated a beautiful, funny, and moving ceremony. Everyone laughed, cried, and seemed to really enjoy the vows. As the reception got under way, the new bride and groom thanked us for being there and for letting them base their vows off of the ones we used for our ceremony. The party applauded and people began to really get comfortable and open with us (a combination of just being used to us and champagne, I'm sure). Anthony even got a few more requests to officiate weddings for some of the other attendees.
I never would have guessed, however, what happened next.
Anthony and I were laughing arm in arm with some of the bridesmaids when the evangelical approached us and asked to speak with us. With tears in his eyes, he complimented the ceremony and asked for Anthony to renew his and his wife's vows right then. He wanted the same vows we (and the new bride and groom) had used.
Who would have thought that something as simple as just being there and being open would start to change someone's mind about our community. While the state we were in may not have recognized our marriage legally, the rest of the wedding party, including one of the most close-minded people I had ever met, did.
Who could have asked for a better wedding gift.
With greatest respect for the organizations signing onto "Prepare to Prevail", I can't bring myself (at least yet) to agree. I gave a shot at writing a response in the comments, but my response just got too long, so I decided to take my first shot at writing a diary here. Comments, criticisms and suggestions are welcomed.
Our Hearts. The first and most important reason to fight now, and consistently, is for ourselves, win or lose. We must not hide from the marriage debate, we must continue to pursue it not only at the door-to-door grassroots (and that we must do, too, yes), but also we need to keep our plight in the public eye, because we must not, in our patience or fear, allow ourselves and our ideals to be forced back into a closet. We mut not weaken in speaking our truths to the rest of the country. In short, I believe waiting erodes us from the inside.
Full civil rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals must be enacted now. Delay and excuses are no longer acceptable. --Dallas Principles
The Public Eye. I am sympathetic to those who argue that marriage is not our most important goal, and to some extent I agree.. Certainly there are many other things on our plate, an inclusive ENDA, hate crimes, DADT and DOMA repeal, defending marriage in Maine.... And yet I don't see marriage efforts as taking away from these other efforts, I see them as adding to them. The LGBT community has never received the amount of attention in the public eye for our cause as we achieved during the equal marriage debates. That presence in the public eye reaches so many with our cause. Marriage efforts bring our whole cause to the public eye, marriage efforts work toward all our goals, not take away from them.
RIP, Equal Protection. The nature of the decision in Strauss is also enormously disturbing, and I don't think this factor is sufficiently appreciated by our whole community. The California Supreme Court said, in essence, that there is nothing fundamental about Equal Protection, that it's just another piece of law like any other, and that it can be changed by a simple majority of voters like any other. This position is at odat odds with the history of California, it is at odds with the history of the United States, it is at odds with the fundamental philosophical underpinnings of the justification for having a government at all. Worse, it enables the potential of voter referendums in California that target any of our communities for any reason in the future. Equal protection, while often dishonored in fact, is not something our country has ever tolerated being dismissed in name, and the court doing so in this case drags us all down. We must take notice of this.
Not Afraid to Lose. As I read "Prepare to Prevail", I was struck by the implication if not the explicit statement that one of the reasons to wait was so that we do not lose. To use an unfortunate metaphor I believe this argument confuses the battle with the war. I am not afraid to lose in 2010, I think a loss in 2010 will keep our issues alive in public debates. More importantly, I saw our loss with Proposition 8 followed nationally by an unprecedented series of successes elsewhere in the country from Iowa to Maine. The fear that a loss in 2010 would hurt the cause of LGBT folks in America doesn't seem to be borne out by recent history. If we lose in 2010, we turn around and fight again 2012, with two more years of making our case behind us, with two more years of our rights being discussed in the public eye.
While We Wait, People Die. Every year, thousands of LGBT Americans lose their lives as a direct result of the pernicious effects of discrimination against us. From the epidemic of queer teen suicide to the documented effects of pushing us into closes has on HIV rates, every day we delay in asserting our rights is a day in which we participate in the deaths of members of our own community. Many of these deaths, particularly queer teen suicides, are the result of inequality as perceived by isolated LGBT Americans who lack the sort of support many of us enjoy. We owe it to these folks, we owe it to ourselves, to not be too patient in our attempts to reach out a helping hand of support, to reach out with the message of "You are okay, you are as good as anyone else" that continuing the public fight for our rights and freedoms conveys.
It's too important for us to wait.
Equality NOW.
When a person places the proper value on freedom, there is nothing under the sun that he will not do to acquire that freedom. Whenever you hear a man saying he wants freedom, but in the next breath he is going to tell you what he won’t do to get it, or what he doesn’t believe in doing in order to get it, he doesn’t believe in freedom. A man who believes in freedom will do anything under the sun to acquire or preserve his freedom. --Malcolm X
Sent: Friday, July 17, 2009 10:09 PMAs I've said before, the 1st Amendment is a beautiful thing when exercised thoughtfully. If you see someone collecting signatures, consider standing near them and politely telling potentially interested signers that signing this petition will hurt you personally. Ask them to please not sign. Our writer shares her thoughts on this:
Subject: Bellingham Wal-Mart tonight: my reportHello, Everyone:
[We] got home from Bellingham about 8:00 PM where we stood with four others who who were protesting the gathering of referendum 71 signatures at Wal-Mart. We were there for about 75 minutes.
The signature gatherer was from Seattle and was paid $1.00 per signature. He reminded me three times that I was depriving his children of food by my presence. He wasn't ugly but very frustrated. We estimate that only about a dozen people signed during that time.
His talking points:
1. This legislation was passed without "our" permission by legislators who did it to get votes and money.
2. The sign said Stop Same Sex Marriage.
3. The paperwork says that public schools will have to teach children k-12 about homosexuality.
4. This legislation will cost Washington taxpayers millions of dollars and tie up the courts with divorces.My thoughts:
1. We need to let our legislators know immediately that this is the approach being taken by this campaign. What a slap in their faces.
2. They have printed the forms they are using and there are no legal requirements that the language reflect anything accurate about the legislation. It doesn't. People don't know this. (That might be a law that needs to be passed.)
3. The Prop 8 campaign used this as their major hook. It is very effective- even when not true.
4. He never explained this but didn't have to-it just appeals to some people.Of the people who signed:
More women than men and they were more enthusiastic and gave more rote responses (God is punishing America because of gay people- gay people are destroying our families). Most appeared affluent 30-45 a few older women but not that many almost no one read the material but just accepted what he said and pointed to it when we said it was inaccurate. If it is in print, it must be true?? a few young men...not too friendly but they just ignored us.
We will need to be very specific about suggestions:
1. Be polite- not just in what is said but in your tone
2. Stand exactly where told it is okay (don't block doors or get in the way of traffic)
3. Once people start to sign, it might make sense to stop talking to them
4. Thank those who refuse to sign (one woman went back to her car to bring us cold bottles of water:) We had many, many people express support.
5. I think signs would help... what should or could they say?
I had a rainbow umbrella- which was great beceat because it was very hot.Our wonderful young friend [redacted] who is the president of the Club Diversity at Sedro-Woolley High School had a sign that said "Referendum 71 hurts me". I held a fabric picture of my family made by [redacted] of Tacoma PFLAG.
Join Washington Families Standing Together in their fight to defeat Referendum 71 by clicking on the graphics below.
www.GayTalkRadio.org
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